Jenga saves the Wii

by on July 23, 2007 at 12:30 am
Posted In: Comic

Well, folks, Wii owners finally have a reason to rejoice. After months of hearing about crappy ports and throw away titles like Smash Bros. Brawl and Mario Galaxy, a beacon of hope has shone through darkness. I speak, of course, of the recently announced Wii and DS exclusive title, Jenga, which is an old Swahili word meaning “crappy idea for a game.” Knowing this, you’d think that they could have come up with a better name. Like Jenga Deluxe. But you would be wrong. Nevertheless, Jenga promises to be an immense hit, clearly targeted towards the hardcore gamer. But don’t take my word for it, here’s the press release:

Atari Announces Jenga Edge-of-your-seat Video Gaming Fun*

By Atari

Press Release

Posted Jul 6, 2007 10:44 am PT

LYON, FRANCE – 6 July 2007 – Atari today announced that it would publish Jenga, based on the mildly enjoyable wooden block tower building game of the same name. Designed to appeal to Nintendo’s expanded audience of people who don’t like video games, Jenga promises hours of almost-enjoyment and loads of not-quite-fun!

“Fans of the original Jenga will most likely think we’re crazy and wonder why we bothered to make a digital adaptation of a real-life game that’s readily and cheaply available and not really that fun unless you’re drunk,” said Jeremiah Cohn, senior product manager, Atari, Inc. “But they’re stupid!” he added.

“This title is a definite must-have for anyone who’s ever wanted to enjoy Jenga without the inconvenience of having fun or playing Jenga,” added Paul Eveloff of Pokonobe Associates. “I know it actually sounds pretty boring, but we’re hoping people won’t notice, due to the extraordinary amount of exclamation points we use!”

Although this title seems like a perfect candidate for Mii inclusion, Atari has instead opted to create their own series of wacky, forgettable characters. You’re welcome! Characters include:

  • A Tyrannosaurus with a Mohawk and comically oversized glasses!! Get it?? Dinosaurs don’t usually have those things!
  • A purple alien creature with tentacles and three eyes!! THREE eyes!! Next-Gen is here!
  • Some type of Hawaiian sphere-type object that could possibly be a Jack-O-Lantern!! Or maybe not! Who knows!!!
  • A penguin that wears goggles! That’s right, goggles! Penguins don’t need goggles! Wacky!!
  • A chubby-cheeked shark! Even we don’t know why his cheeks are chubby!
  • A green pterodactyl! Can you tell we’re running out of ideas?? Just kidding, maybe!
  • Some kind of sentient cowboy/gambling device hybrid!! WTF??? Fun for the whole family!
  • A space girl with an open-faced space helmet! If she actually went to space, she would die a horrible gruesome death!!

A great deal of time and effort has been put into making this title a success. Jenga will feature a robust physics engine that will most likely pale in comparison to the physics achieved by the original Jenga, otherwise known as “actual” physics. Also, the main focus of the game will be on the single player story mode, though the title does include several obligatory multiplayer minigames. Atari is also excited to include the official “Jengamote” Wii accessory, which will be bundled with the game, for added value! Make your Wii Jenga experience even more immersive by simply gluing this attachment to the end of your Wii Remote! The game is due out in November.

Well, I know all of you are as excited as I am about this development. This will be a great title to have around in case I’m ever in a situation where my life depends on me having absolutely no fun for a small period of time.

____________________________________________

*Actual title of their press release!

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The E3 2007 V.I.P. After-Party

by on July 16, 2007 at 9:36 am
Posted In: Comic

Well, E3 2007 has officially come and gone. Although the exclusive nature of this year’s E3 may have made it seem like the bastard child of its own former self, let me assure that this was not the case. In fact, most would agree that this year’s E3 was an unmitigated success. Or at least a mitigated one. The absence of the public, or, as I like to call them, “the public”, allowed us journalists unprecedented access to games, information, and, most importantly, other journalists. Yes, my friends, it is a great time to be a journalist, but an even better time to be a gamer. The reason I say this is because I was personally assured by each respective developer, that every game currently in development is actually going to be the Best Game Ever. Now that’s a lot to look forward to.

But even though many things have changed about E3, there is one thing that hasn’t: The Exclusive E3 V.I.P. After-Party. It’s a tradition that’s been around ever since E3’s inception, back in 1879. Every year, a select few of the major players in the industry get together for what is arguably the best E3 V.I.P. After-Party attended by a select few of the major players in the industry of the year. Few people know about this party, because only the best of the best and, for no apparent reason, myself get invited. Every year, the party has a theme, with this year’s theme being Get As Drunk As You Possibly Can. As you can see by the above photos, things can get pretty crazy.

Here are some of the highlights from this year’s party:

  • Miyamoto’s famous Japanese humility being stripped away by no less than two shots of whiskey.

  • Peter Moore showing up dressed as a Giant Enemy Crab.

  • Kaz Hirai’s story about how he let Peter Moore think Metal Gear Solid 4 was coming to the 360 just long enough for him to get a tattoo.

  • The subsequent fist fight between Peter Moore and Kaz Hirai. They both lost.

  • Phil Harrison.

  • Miyamoto singing karaoke of Will Smith’s song and replacing the word “jiggy” with “Shiggy.”

  • Miyamoto still thinking this was funny after the fifth year in a row.

After that, the rest of the night is pretty much a blur. Much like the Expo itself.

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Muqtada al Gamer

by on July 9, 2007 at 12:15 am
Posted In: Comic

So it was reported last week that influential political figure and all around nice guy Muqtada al Sadr is also a gamer. Upon learning this, I came to an immediate and obvious conclusion: I was hungry. After a date with Chef Boyardee, I immediately came to yet another conclusion: I’ve got to find out more about this. So, using contacts from my time as a Saddam Hussein impersonator, I was able to secure this exclusive interview and photo shoot. Enjoy!

GR: So Mr. al Sadr,…

MaS: Please, call me M4dPri3st69.

GR: No. So how did you get into gaming?

MaS: Well, the first game I ever played was Oregon Trail. I died of dysentery.

GR: And that’s what turned you on to gaming?

MaS: Yeah, I loved how easy it was to kill myself and those around me. It was really a great game despite being made by Jews.

GR: Oregon Trail was made by Jews?

MaS: Well, it’s pretty obvious the way they made the Banker the best possible profession.

GR: I guess I never made the connection. So what kind of games do you enjoy playing now?

MaS: You know, the usual: Horsez, Petz, Hamsterz. Basically anything with a “z” on the end. It makes me look hip.

GR: It most certainly does not.

MaS: Does too.

GR: Well played. Do you happen to have a favorite system?

MaS: Definitely the Xbox 360. Because it likes to kill itself!

GR: Oh man, I walked right into that one.

MaS: Yeah, that’s a little insurgency humor for you.

GR: Awesome. Well, that’s all the questions I took the time to prepare, any final thoughts?

MaS: Yeah, I just wanna tell dIrTyBiRdY 781 that I’m not a queer and that he, in fact, is the queer. N00b.

Well, there you have it. A fascinating look inside the mind of Iraq’s most influential gamer.

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Manhunt 2 Screenshots

by on July 7, 2007 at 8:10 am
Posted In: Comic

Well, here they are. I’ve just received these five exclusive screenshots from the new toned down version of Manhunt 2. I was only able to obtain them through the use of a super secret, mega press pass, known amongst gaming journalists as a Super Secret Mega Press Pass. For those of you wondering how to obtain this Holy Grail of game journalism, I will only say this: it is a long and arduous journey that will test your physical and mental capacities and push you to the very edge of your existence. Also, you need Microsoft Word and a printer. But that is all I will say! The rest must remain mysteriously shrouded in a shroud of mysterious mystery.

As for the screenshots themselves, I must say that I am extremely disappointed. I was sincerely hoping to be able to learn how to commit acts of extreme violence against my fellow human beings. I mean, what greater joy in life could there possibly be than beating someone senseless with a baseball bat? But now I might never even learn how to do that! Now, my bat will just sit in my closet, completely NOT covered in brain goo, for the rest of eternity. And that’s not all, either. I just hope Lil’ Dick’s DIY Castration Kits, Inc. has a good return policy.

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