GeekRising

So I’ve been sitting on this juicy tidbit for quite some time now. A couple of weeks ago, I was able to secure an exclusive interview with the legend himself, Shigeru Miyamoto. The interview itself took place in Miyamoto’s secret mushroom-shaped moon base, which explains the recent dearth of posts, space travel being what it is these days. On second thought, make that Miyamoto’s previously secret mushroom-shaped moon base. Anyhow, the information I obtained has been under embargo until just now. We talked about quite a bit, but the most interesting thing I learned about that day was what Miyamoto called The Greatest Zelda Secret of All Time.

It concerns the origins of the stubby, cartoon-like Link found in Wind Waker and, more recently, Phantom Hourglass. If you’re like me, you’ve probably always looked down on this abomination and wondered “Where in the world did THAT come from?” Also, you’ve probably just stubbed your toe on your @#&$ing desk. But whether you’re like me or not, we’ve all wondered we he came from and where he fits in to the Zelda universe. And there’s never been a good answer, until now.

What Miyamoto called The Greatest Zelda Secret of All Time is actually a hidden epilogue for Twilight Princess. Accessing this hidden epilogue involves a series of arduous tasks. First you must find and kill all 100 Gold Skulltulas. Then you must play fetch with the dog an exact total of 128 times. Finally, you must defeat Ganon using only the Biggoron Sword except for the final blow, which you must deliver with the fishing rod. Not only that, but you must complete all these tasks whilst remaining incredibly gullible.

After accessing the hidden epilogue, you will be treated to a story which details Midna’s eventual return to Hyrule and subsequent impregnation. You complete several quests along the way, including an especially controversial “Hot Lon-Lon Milk” minigame. This all ultimately results in the creation of what we now know as Wind Waker Link. Hard to believe right? Well, it does explain his short, stubby legs and cartoony looks. As proof, I offer the above two screenshots that were taken directly from the game.

Well, it sure is nice to have the Zelda universe reconciled once again. I should have known better than to doubt Miyamoto’s genius. Maybe this will teach me question the wisdom of our gaming forefathers. Probably not.