GeekRising

“No, don’t do it!” screamed the little voice inside my head. “The online gaming community has too many top ten lists already! You’ll be considered trite and unimaginative!” My surprisingly dramatic, yet somewhat redundant inner voice was right. But I decided to forge on anyway. There was one problem, though. I needed a way to make my top ten list different from the billions of lists already out there. “I know!” said the voice. “Don’t make one!” Again, sound advice, but too easy. That’s when I got a brilliant idea: I would make my top ten list about non-gamers! Brilliant! And so without further ado, here is part one of the 10 worst habits of non-gamers.

10. Calling Link Zelda. This one is all the way up at number 10 not because it isn’t annoying, but because it’s really partially Nintendo’s fault. Seriously, why would you name a game after someone other than the hero? How does being constantly captured and endangering your entire kingdom warrant having your name in the title? I hereby put out a call to all of Gamerdom to educate the masses, and put an end to this injustice. Please, do it for the children.

9. Blaming Violence on Video Games. This is another one that some might think would be a little higher on the list. The reason it’s not is that I’m so tired of it. Just because a violent person plays violent games doesn’t mean they made him that way. Most likely, he plays them because he likes them. Because he’s violent. Now do we see a connection? But possibly most damning to this theory is its own chief proselytizer, “attorney” and Florida State Douchebag, Jack Thompson. Among his many claims to fame is the fact that he was the very first one to invent a connection between video games and the VA Tech shootings. Way to go Jack! In fact, I would be considerably more inclined to believe that HE causes violent behavior.

8. Pretending To Be Gamers. OK, admittedly not a huge problem, but existent nonetheless. Yes, I’m talking to you, Hot Chick Who Poses for Pictures Wearing Naught But Nintendo Controllers. We all know you’re not a gamer, and we all know you just want our cash. So why not just get rid of the game controllers? It makes for a better shot, and it’ll seem less like your trying to exploit us. Slightly.

7. Rating Video Games. Ah yes, the good ol’ ESRB. I don’t know who they are or what made them so lame, but one this is for sure: they’re not gamers. If they were gamers, they would no doubt have a much keener sense for this sort of thing. The inconsistencies in their system stick out more than Mr. T at a gay pride parade. Or really, Mr. T anywhere he goes.

6. Making Game Movies. There are so many great games out there that would really make fantastic movies. Qbert and Pong are two that immediately come to mind. And yet, most franchises that end up trying to make the leap from console to big screen inevitably fall short. Into a big, steamy pile of crap. As with any major injustice, it’s always nice to have someone to direct the entirety of our anger towards, and one man has been kind enough to step forward and assume the position, so to speak. Yes, much like the baboon with the biggest, reddest ass stands out amongst his peers, so does “filmmaker” Uwe Boll. He has taken it upon himself to create more, crappier game movies than any other person, just so we would have someone to blame. Well, that’s the only reason I can think of, anyhow. If you’re unfamiliar with Boll, his body of work includes movies based off the games Bloodrayne, House of the Dead, and Alone in the Dark. Each of these movies garnered about the same amount of critical acclaim as the bologna sandwich I had for lunch.

Continue to Part 2>>